The Feeler

Growing up, I was always the over the top, dramatic, extroverted kid that would pretty much do anything from playing with barbie dolls and dress up, to riding four wheelers and playing cops and robbers with the boys. I loved an adventure, hated being a girly girl, but deep down inside knew I wasn’t meant to be anything else.

The older I got, the more I learned about what I liked, loved, and loathed. And the more I learned about myself, the more I realized how hard it was for me to not make things a big deal. If something good happened, I talked about it for months. If something bad happened, the world was ending. There was simply no in between. I remember getting overly excited about things, like even the dumbest little things that I would hear about at school, and I couldn’t wait to tell my parents in the fastest and most loud way possible to ensure I got my point across and the entire state could hear the news as well. I didn’t want anyone to be left out.

I think it was early elementary school, maybe first or second grade, when I began to realize what I really loved. People. Being social was a specialty of mine from a young age. So much so that I got my seat moved in class frequently because I thought what happened at recess was far more interesting than fractions. See, but really what I loved most about people was making them feel good, learning about what they liked, why they did things the way they did and how I could make it better. And put the pressure on myself to do just that. This love became stronger and stronger the older I got and the more I learned about not only myself, but others. I found out in second grade that I was an empath. Of course, at the time I didn’t know that’s what it was called but one of my best friends shared with me in art class that her parents were getting a divorce. At the time, I didn’t know anyone who had been divorced. I mean my dads parents were but they were ancient in my mind so it didn’t count. After she told me I probably said something, I don’t remember what, but I do remember raising my hand and asking if I could use the restroom. I went to the bathroom and started crying. I was so confused and had no idea why but I couldn’t stop. I was so embarrassed but I was so sad for my friend.

In 5th grade, my great grandmother passed away. My family is so close so it was really hard on everyone. I was only 10 though so I was “too young to understand.” Yet, every night for almost two weeks I would cry myself to sleep because my Nana didn’t have a mom anymore and my dad and aunts didn’t have a grandmother anymore.

My emotions weirded me out. I never really understood them. Sometimes things would feel so big. Like I’d try and do my homework and some days my brain just wouldn’t work as well as others and it was instant waterworks. I think my parents thought I was a drama queen, and while I totally was and still am, I was emotional too. Especially when I did something wrong. From a young age I wanted to be good at everything I did, and while I worked really hard to be, I knew sometimes I’d fail. And while I accepted that, it never hurt any less. Ive never felt more defeated than I do when I set my mind to something and fail. Actually that’s a lie, I’ve never felt more defeated than when I feel like I’ve let someone down that I love.

Amongst all the liking and loving, I loathed being a disappointment. And while maybe I never was actually, it surely didn’t feel that way. I knew everyone had high expectations for me, but I had the bar 10x higher. If I remember correctly this started at a young age, but the older I got the worse it became. So much so that by the time I got to college and got my first C, I photoshopped my grades just so I wouldn’t have to admit to my parents just how much of a failure I was. Yes, dramatic. But I beat myself up over it. Of course, nobody around me knew that because I couldn’t even stomach having to ask for help…. I mean, if I had to ask for help what good was I?

I’m not exactly sure when it happened, but I knew it was bound to. All the years of high emotions caught up to me and suddenly I was like a sponge. All of the empathy I felt for others, even when that bad thing wasn’t happening to me, it hurt. An inconvenience stopped being an inconvenience and all that mattered was how it would affect others and how much it would feel like a burden. I felt like a burden. That made me feel sick to my stomach. I began to want to please everyone because the idea of someone being mad at me, or the thought of creating conflict made me want to crawl out of my skin. Any negative reaction to something I caused, became extremely uncomfortable. The closer I got to people the harder it became for me to get them off of my mind and heart. Even sometimes those distant to me I’d feel connected to whether I wanted to or not. As I grew, so did my heart. Bigger and bigger along with my emotions I’d feel. I would wonder so often why certain things impact me as much as they do, and it became so embarrassing to me that other people were not experiencing emotions to the same intensity as me. The amount of times I’d hear, “you are being too sensitive”, “you are so dramatic” and “just let it go” was like a broken record. I started to convince myself that I had a problem. I couldn’t control my emotions and I just felt everything. I self diagnosed myself as a feeler.

No matter what emotion I’m feeling, I feel it all the way. 100% of it.

After going through some what of a rough patch regarding heavily to these emotions, I turned to church. I knew if I couldn’t figure it out God could. It took me time to get into the groove of things. But one special day, I was able to fully open my heart up during worship. Once I did, I sobbed. I felt every emotion in that room. Not just mine, but every heart, every soul. It scared me I can’t lie and I’ve never quite felt that feeling in my life, but I’ve learned sometimes I have to choose not to open up, because once I start crying, I may not be able to stop.

This became such a struggle for me. Something I am actively struggling with.

I am 23 years old and I feel everything. And while I can be the biggest burden on others and myself, I have to remind myself that it’s not just the negative emotions I feel strongly.

I feel love, joy, compassion and excitement all at the same extreme. I have grown to be the person my closest friends want around to celebrate their birthdays, big promotions, or new babies because of the way I am so joyful for them. I am the person who has strangers randomly open up to me because they can sense the kindness and compassion I carry (and I love every second of it). My heart explodes in thankfulness when I worship God and his creation. My parents and close friends used to always say I did a really good job of being accepting of everyone and not speaking poorly of them. I hope I still am that way and strive to be. I try to make everyone feel loved and included and see potential in those who don’t even see it in themselves. I try my best to be a sense of comfort to all of those around me, always being a shoulder to cry on no matter the circumstance because I get it, we all need it. I guess all in all, I wouldn’t be able to carry the enormity of love that I do for others if I didn’t feel so heavily.

I'm an empath, I'm a feeler, I'm me.